Giving and Receiving
Godly Criticism: Sharpening Each Other With Your Words
by Garrett Kell
"Iron sharpens iron, and one man
sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
Criticism is something most of us like to
shy away from. We naturally want to avoid tough conversations where our
actions, motives, or ministries are put under another person’s microscope. At
the same time, many of us don’t like to share critique or criticism with others
because we don’t want to come across as judgmental or risk hurting someone’s
feelings.
While
it may feel unnatural, I want to suggest that giving and receiving godly
criticism is a necessary element in the life of healthy relationships and
healthy churches. If we intend to help people grow in godliness but can’t give
godly criticism, we won’t end up helping them very much. God uses his people to
speak the truth to one another in love, and this includes critical truth. If
you’re missing this element in your discipling relationships, you’re like a
shepherd with no rod.
WHAT
IS GODLY CRITICISM?
The
words “criticism” or “critique” don’t show up much in our English Bibles, but
the concept certainly does. Terms such as rebuke, reproof, correction,
admonishment, and instruction all capture the same idea.
Here’s
my shot at a definition of godly criticism: to give a corrective evaluation of
another person and their service to the Lord with the intent of helping that
person grow in faithfulness to God.
For
the sake of this article, I’m focusing on giving and receiving godly criticism
in the context of a Christian relationship. This may be between a husband and
wife, friends, fellow church members, or a church staff. I also want to
emphasize that we are talking about godly criticism. This is important because
not all criticism is godly. Some criticism is Satanic.
Some
people give criticism inspired by the sinful flesh (1 Cor 3:3) that lacks
spiritual wisdom (James 3:14-16) and does nothing but hurt others (Gal 5:15).
Often times this ungodly criticism is aimed at tearing others down and lifting
up oneself to appear “spiritual” (Lk 18:11-14; Prov 30:32). This insensitive
attack is void of constructive grace and leaves people hurt rather than helped.
To
help us avoid giving that kind of criticism, I’d like to share a few
suggestions on how we should give and receive godly criticism.
HOW
TO GIVE GODLY CRITICISM
1.
The goal is growth.
The
chief goal in any Christian relationship should be to help each other grow up
in Christ (Eph 4:14-15). This means critiques must be aimed at building up, not
tearing down (2 Cor 13:10). So when you speak, prayerfully consider how your
words can give constructive grace that will help others mature in Christ (Eph
4:29). Show them how your correction, if applied, can help them better reflect
the glory of God (Matt 5:16).
2.
Criticize humbly.
Pride
delights in criticizing others. So, if you’re excited to dish out critiques, it
might be a sign that pride is guiding your heart. The best way to grow in
humility is to spend time thanking God for the many ways he has graciously
corrected you. Rehearse how the gospel is good news for you and be stirred
afresh by how gracious God has been to you (Eph 2:1-5). This will help you to
take the log out of your own eye before helping someone else take the speck out
of theirs (Matt 7:1-5).
3.
Give encouragement with your critique.
Critique
should almost always be served with a healthy dose of encouragement. This is
not a psychological trick to avoid hurting feelings; rather, it’s a way of
affirming that God is working in them, despite their need to keep growing.
For
instance, when our staff gives me feedback on my leadership or preaching, I
need them to help me see both what needs changing and what I should continue
doing. Pointing out evidences of grace along with areas to improve will make
your critical conversations all the more helpful. You can read more about
giving encouragement here.
4. Be
thoughtful.
Give
consideration to what you should say before you say it (Prov 29:20). This will
help you sift out nit-picky stuff and get to the heart of what needs to be
communicated. Prayerfully ask yourself, “What is the main issue I need to
address? What do I hope they walk away from our conversation remembering? What
really needs to be said and what can be overlooked?” This work on the front end
will serve both you and the person you are confronting.
5. Be
clear.
When
you give critique, be as clear as possible. Are you speaking about a sin issue
or a personality issue? Is this a big deal or something that could become a big
deal? One way to do bring more clarity is to use examples.
For
instance, don’t just say “you are rude.” But you might try saying it like this,
“I know you have good ideas, but I’ve noticed that you tend to cut people off
when they are talking. I’m not sure if you’ve caught yourself doing this, but
it can make people feel like you don’t need to hear what they have to say.”
Being clear in your critique will help make sure you get to the heart of the issue.
6. Be
gentle.
Wrap
your words of correction with gentleness. Love seeks to communicate truth in a
way that can be easily swallowed. It’s a mark of spiritual maturity to gently
help people grow in spiritual health (Gal 6:1). Gentleness must not be viewed
as weakness, but rather a heart posture that God can use to lead others to
repentance (2 Tim 2:24-26). One way to grow in gentleness is to think how you
would want someone to speak to you if they were giving the same critique (Matt
7:12). How can you show them honor while still helping them grow (Rom 12:10)?
By considering how they will hear what you say, you can shape your words to be
given gently.
7. Be
patient.
“Love
is patient” (1 Cor 13:4). Remember that some habits or sins take time to be
corrected, especially when they are deep-rooted heart issues. Take the long
view in your relationship and ask God to help you remember how patient he has
been with you (Ex 34:6). This will keep you humble before God and patient with
those you are helping to correct.
8. Be
prayerful.
Ruth
Graham once said of her husband, “It’s my job to love Billy; it’s God’s job to
change him.” There is much wisdom in that statement. While we can bring truth
to a heart, only God can make that seed grow (1 Cor 3:6). What this means for
us is that if we aren’t praying for people, we certainly shouldn’t be trying to
change them. God alone is able to change a person, so plead with him on behalf
of other people.
HOW
TO RECEIVE GODLY CRITICISM
1. Be
hungry to grow.
Do
you desire to grow in spiritual maturity? Do you long to look more like Jesus?
If so, then you must do all you can to put to death the pride that wants to
protect your image. When others criticize us, our natural reaction is to defend
ourselves and make excuses for the critiques they bring up.
Brothers
and sisters, put the idol of image to death. Proverbs 12:1 says, “Whoever loves
discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” The reason
those who hate reproof are stupid is because there is nothing better than to be
corrected for the glory of God. So plead with God to make you want to grow in
holiness and usefulness above all other things. Ask him to help you not fear being
made stronger through being humbled by the help of those who are speaking into
your life.
2.
Assume you need to be corrected.
Proverbs
12:15 reminds us that “the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise
man listens to advice.” Do you assume you need people in your life to critique
and correct you? Do you assume others can see things in you that you might be
blind to? It’s foolish to presume that even on our best days we cannot be
helped by the critical insight of others.
3.
Don’t be easily offended.
Spurgeon
once wisely advised, “If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him,
for you are worse than he thinks you to be.” The pride in our hearts is often
ignited when someone speaks corrective words to us. Plead with God to help you
remember that no matter what someone says to you, it is far less cutting than
what God has said to you in the gospel.
4.
Ask clarifying questions.
When
someone gives you criticism, thank them for helping you grow and then follow up
with questions. Ask for examples to help you understand better. Ask for
suggestions on how you might change. By doing this, it turns the critiques into
a conversation, which is what is always the best place for growth to happen.
5.
Assume there is at least some truth in what others say to you.
People
are not infallible, so there are times their words of criticism or critique
will be off-base and unwarranted. Your first response shouldn’t be to shoot
holes in what they are saying, but rather to see what bit of truth may be
salvaged from their words. It’s rare that you can’t find a little gold in even
the biggest load of trash.
6.
Keep the church in view.
When
you are corrected by others, you aren’t the only one who benefits. Because you
are part of the Body of Christ, your growth means good things for everyone (1
Cor 12). I could probably list 10-15 corrections I’ve received over the years
that significantly altered the course of my life and ministry.
One
that I most often remember came in my first year of preaching when a friend
pointed out that I consistently preached the cross but rarely mentioned the
resurrection of Jesus. He encouraged me to bring Jesus out of the grave in my
preaching. I’m glad he did, and I’m thankful to the many others who have loved
me enough to share their godly criticism with me.
7. Do
it for God’s glory.
First
Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do [including
giving and receiving criticism] do it all for the glory of God.” This means
that our aim in giving, receiving, and applying critique must always be to help
God be seen clearly in our lives and the lives of others. If God’s fame is our
greatest aim, it will guard our hearts in what can be tough and trying
conversations.
CREATING
A CULTURE OF SHARPENING IN THE CHURCH
What
we don’t want to do is create a culture of critics who are constantly eyeing
one another for mistakes. But what we do want to see is a church deepen in
their love and care for one another so much that they are willing to engage in
deep, painful, graceful, helpful, character-shaping conversations that will
bring God much glory.
1.
Preach the gospel.
The
more regularly we preach and apply the gospel to ourselves and others, the more
we’ll be equipped to give and receive grace-centered critique. To learn more
about the cross and criticism, I highly recommend this excellent
article by Dr. Alfred J. Poirier.
2.
Model it.
Pastors
and those who are spiritually mature must serve as models for those around them
(1 Cor 11:1). How are you opening yourself up to critique as a model for your
flock? How are you offering and inviting godly criticism as part of your date
nights, family meetings, staff meetings, or discipling relationships?
3.
Invite it.
Make
giving and receiving godly criticism a normal part of your discipling
relationships. This doesn’t mean that you should always be critiquing each
other, but it does mean that you want to give each other permission to speak
freely to each other. I often tell people, “You have permission at any time to
point out any thing in my life that you think I need to hear.” I don’t say that
to everyone, but the people I am discipling know they have free rein to walk
around in my heart and ask any question. This has proven to be a wonderfully
fruitful and freeing practice for me.
4.
Organize it.
Find
ways to make giving and receiving feedback a standard part of your life. During
date nights my wife and I will sometimes ask the questions “What is something
you’d like me to stop doing? What is something you’d like me to start doing?
And what is something you’d like me to continue doing?” In the same way, our
staff meetings include prayer, planning, and reviewing the services from the
previous Sunday. This time of getting feedback on my preaching has proven
invaluable in my growth as a minster of God’s Word.
5.
Guard yourself from cultivating a critical spirit.
If
you’re part of a church that gives and receives godly criticism, you will at
times be tempted to develop a critical spirit. Every song, every prayer, ever
sermon, every conversation could come under scrutiny. We must guard our hearts
against this sinful quality. It is not godly to be critical, but it is godly to
be able to help others with criticism. Understanding this distinction is
essential to the life of every person.
6.
Simultaneously cultivate a culture of encouragement.
A
culture of encouragement is the key to a healthy culture of criticism. I’m not
sure what a healthy ratio is, but I hope my wife and children and friends and
partners in ministry hear 5-10 times more encouragement from me than they hear
critique. If encouragement is intentional, persistent, and honest, then
critique will serve as a polishing cloth on each other’s hearts. If it is not,
then it will turn into a flamethrower.
7.
Pray over it.
Pray
that God will create a culture in your church that desires to help each other
grow. Pray that he will give you and others wisdom in spurring each other on to
godliness (Heb 10:24-25). Pray he’ll cultivate a humility in your church that
delights in being corrected according to God’s truth (Acts 17:11). And above
all, pray that through speaking the truth in love the church will be built up
into a body that gives glory to Jesus (Eph 4:15).
Giving and Receiving
Godly Criticism: Sharpening Each Other With Your Words
by Garrett Kell
"Iron sharpens iron, and one man
sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
Criticism is something most of us like to
shy away from. We naturally want to avoid tough conversations where our
actions, motives, or ministries are put under another person’s microscope. At
the same time, many of us don’t like to share critique or criticism with others
because we don’t want to come across as judgmental or risk hurting someone’s
feelings.
While
it may feel unnatural, I want to suggest that giving and receiving godly
criticism is a necessary element in the life of healthy relationships and
healthy churches. If we intend to help people grow in godliness but can’t give
godly criticism, we won’t end up helping them very much. God uses his people to
speak the truth to one another in love, and this includes critical truth. If
you’re missing this element in your discipling relationships, you’re like a
shepherd with no rod.
WHAT
IS GODLY CRITICISM?
The
words “criticism” or “critique” don’t show up much in our English Bibles, but
the concept certainly does. Terms such as rebuke, reproof, correction,
admonishment, and instruction all capture the same idea.
Here’s
my shot at a definition of godly criticism: to give a corrective evaluation of
another person and their service to the Lord with the intent of helping that
person grow in faithfulness to God.
For
the sake of this article, I’m focusing on giving and receiving godly criticism
in the context of a Christian relationship. This may be between a husband and
wife, friends, fellow church members, or a church staff. I also want to
emphasize that we are talking about godly criticism. This is important because
not all criticism is godly. Some criticism is Satanic.
Some
people give criticism inspired by the sinful flesh (1 Cor 3:3) that lacks
spiritual wisdom (James 3:14-16) and does nothing but hurt others (Gal 5:15).
Often times this ungodly criticism is aimed at tearing others down and lifting
up oneself to appear “spiritual” (Lk 18:11-14; Prov 30:32). This insensitive
attack is void of constructive grace and leaves people hurt rather than helped.
To
help us avoid giving that kind of criticism, I’d like to share a few
suggestions on how we should give and receive godly criticism.
HOW
TO GIVE GODLY CRITICISM
1.
The goal is growth.
The
chief goal in any Christian relationship should be to help each other grow up
in Christ (Eph 4:14-15). This means critiques must be aimed at building up, not
tearing down (2 Cor 13:10). So when you speak, prayerfully consider how your
words can give constructive grace that will help others mature in Christ (Eph
4:29). Show them how your correction, if applied, can help them better reflect
the glory of God (Matt 5:16).
2.
Criticize humbly.
Pride
delights in criticizing others. So, if you’re excited to dish out critiques, it
might be a sign that pride is guiding your heart. The best way to grow in
humility is to spend time thanking God for the many ways he has graciously
corrected you. Rehearse how the gospel is good news for you and be stirred
afresh by how gracious God has been to you (Eph 2:1-5). This will help you to
take the log out of your own eye before helping someone else take the speck out
of theirs (Matt 7:1-5).
3.
Give encouragement with your critique.
Critique
should almost always be served with a healthy dose of encouragement. This is
not a psychological trick to avoid hurting feelings; rather, it’s a way of
affirming that God is working in them, despite their need to keep growing.
For
instance, when our staff gives me feedback on my leadership or preaching, I
need them to help me see both what needs changing and what I should continue
doing. Pointing out evidences of grace along with areas to improve will make
your critical conversations all the more helpful. You can read more about
giving encouragement here.
4. Be
thoughtful.
Give
consideration to what you should say before you say it (Prov 29:20). This will
help you sift out nit-picky stuff and get to the heart of what needs to be
communicated. Prayerfully ask yourself, “What is the main issue I need to
address? What do I hope they walk away from our conversation remembering? What
really needs to be said and what can be overlooked?” This work on the front end
will serve both you and the person you are confronting.
5. Be
clear.
When
you give critique, be as clear as possible. Are you speaking about a sin issue
or a personality issue? Is this a big deal or something that could become a big
deal? One way to do bring more clarity is to use examples.
For
instance, don’t just say “you are rude.” But you might try saying it like this,
“I know you have good ideas, but I’ve noticed that you tend to cut people off
when they are talking. I’m not sure if you’ve caught yourself doing this, but
it can make people feel like you don’t need to hear what they have to say.”
Being clear in your critique will help make sure you get to the heart of the issue.
6. Be
gentle.
Wrap
your words of correction with gentleness. Love seeks to communicate truth in a
way that can be easily swallowed. It’s a mark of spiritual maturity to gently
help people grow in spiritual health (Gal 6:1). Gentleness must not be viewed
as weakness, but rather a heart posture that God can use to lead others to
repentance (2 Tim 2:24-26). One way to grow in gentleness is to think how you
would want someone to speak to you if they were giving the same critique (Matt
7:12). How can you show them honor while still helping them grow (Rom 12:10)?
By considering how they will hear what you say, you can shape your words to be
given gently.
7. Be
patient.
“Love
is patient” (1 Cor 13:4). Remember that some habits or sins take time to be
corrected, especially when they are deep-rooted heart issues. Take the long
view in your relationship and ask God to help you remember how patient he has
been with you (Ex 34:6). This will keep you humble before God and patient with
those you are helping to correct.
8. Be
prayerful.
Ruth
Graham once said of her husband, “It’s my job to love Billy; it’s God’s job to
change him.” There is much wisdom in that statement. While we can bring truth
to a heart, only God can make that seed grow (1 Cor 3:6). What this means for
us is that if we aren’t praying for people, we certainly shouldn’t be trying to
change them. God alone is able to change a person, so plead with him on behalf
of other people.
HOW
TO RECEIVE GODLY CRITICISM
1. Be
hungry to grow.
Do
you desire to grow in spiritual maturity? Do you long to look more like Jesus?
If so, then you must do all you can to put to death the pride that wants to
protect your image. When others criticize us, our natural reaction is to defend
ourselves and make excuses for the critiques they bring up.
Brothers
and sisters, put the idol of image to death. Proverbs 12:1 says, “Whoever loves
discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” The reason
those who hate reproof are stupid is because there is nothing better than to be
corrected for the glory of God. So plead with God to make you want to grow in
holiness and usefulness above all other things. Ask him to help you not fear being
made stronger through being humbled by the help of those who are speaking into
your life.
2.
Assume you need to be corrected.
Proverbs
12:15 reminds us that “the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise
man listens to advice.” Do you assume you need people in your life to critique
and correct you? Do you assume others can see things in you that you might be
blind to? It’s foolish to presume that even on our best days we cannot be
helped by the critical insight of others.
3.
Don’t be easily offended.
Spurgeon
once wisely advised, “If any man thinks ill of you, do not be angry with him,
for you are worse than he thinks you to be.” The pride in our hearts is often
ignited when someone speaks corrective words to us. Plead with God to help you
remember that no matter what someone says to you, it is far less cutting than
what God has said to you in the gospel.
4.
Ask clarifying questions.
When
someone gives you criticism, thank them for helping you grow and then follow up
with questions. Ask for examples to help you understand better. Ask for
suggestions on how you might change. By doing this, it turns the critiques into
a conversation, which is what is always the best place for growth to happen.
5.
Assume there is at least some truth in what others say to you.
People
are not infallible, so there are times their words of criticism or critique
will be off-base and unwarranted. Your first response shouldn’t be to shoot
holes in what they are saying, but rather to see what bit of truth may be
salvaged from their words. It’s rare that you can’t find a little gold in even
the biggest load of trash.
6.
Keep the church in view.
When
you are corrected by others, you aren’t the only one who benefits. Because you
are part of the Body of Christ, your growth means good things for everyone (1
Cor 12). I could probably list 10-15 corrections I’ve received over the years
that significantly altered the course of my life and ministry.
One
that I most often remember came in my first year of preaching when a friend
pointed out that I consistently preached the cross but rarely mentioned the
resurrection of Jesus. He encouraged me to bring Jesus out of the grave in my
preaching. I’m glad he did, and I’m thankful to the many others who have loved
me enough to share their godly criticism with me.
7. Do
it for God’s glory.
First
Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do [including
giving and receiving criticism] do it all for the glory of God.” This means
that our aim in giving, receiving, and applying critique must always be to help
God be seen clearly in our lives and the lives of others. If God’s fame is our
greatest aim, it will guard our hearts in what can be tough and trying
conversations.
CREATING
A CULTURE OF SHARPENING IN THE CHURCH
What
we don’t want to do is create a culture of critics who are constantly eyeing
one another for mistakes. But what we do want to see is a church deepen in
their love and care for one another so much that they are willing to engage in
deep, painful, graceful, helpful, character-shaping conversations that will
bring God much glory.
1.
Preach the gospel.
The
more regularly we preach and apply the gospel to ourselves and others, the more
we’ll be equipped to give and receive grace-centered critique. To learn more
about the cross and criticism, I highly recommend this excellent
article by Dr. Alfred J. Poirier.
2.
Model it.
Pastors
and those who are spiritually mature must serve as models for those around them
(1 Cor 11:1). How are you opening yourself up to critique as a model for your
flock? How are you offering and inviting godly criticism as part of your date
nights, family meetings, staff meetings, or discipling relationships?
3.
Invite it.
Make
giving and receiving godly criticism a normal part of your discipling
relationships. This doesn’t mean that you should always be critiquing each
other, but it does mean that you want to give each other permission to speak
freely to each other. I often tell people, “You have permission at any time to
point out any thing in my life that you think I need to hear.” I don’t say that
to everyone, but the people I am discipling know they have free rein to walk
around in my heart and ask any question. This has proven to be a wonderfully
fruitful and freeing practice for me.
4.
Organize it.
Find
ways to make giving and receiving feedback a standard part of your life. During
date nights my wife and I will sometimes ask the questions “What is something
you’d like me to stop doing? What is something you’d like me to start doing?
And what is something you’d like me to continue doing?” In the same way, our
staff meetings include prayer, planning, and reviewing the services from the
previous Sunday. This time of getting feedback on my preaching has proven
invaluable in my growth as a minster of God’s Word.
5.
Guard yourself from cultivating a critical spirit.
If
you’re part of a church that gives and receives godly criticism, you will at
times be tempted to develop a critical spirit. Every song, every prayer, ever
sermon, every conversation could come under scrutiny. We must guard our hearts
against this sinful quality. It is not godly to be critical, but it is godly to
be able to help others with criticism. Understanding this distinction is
essential to the life of every person.
6.
Simultaneously cultivate a culture of encouragement.
A
culture of encouragement is the key to a healthy culture of criticism. I’m not
sure what a healthy ratio is, but I hope my wife and children and friends and
partners in ministry hear 5-10 times more encouragement from me than they hear
critique. If encouragement is intentional, persistent, and honest, then
critique will serve as a polishing cloth on each other’s hearts. If it is not,
then it will turn into a flamethrower.
7.
Pray over it.
Pray
that God will create a culture in your church that desires to help each other
grow. Pray that he will give you and others wisdom in spurring each other on to
godliness (Heb 10:24-25). Pray he’ll cultivate a humility in your church that
delights in being corrected according to God’s truth (Acts 17:11). And above
all, pray that through speaking the truth in love the church will be built up
into a body that gives glory to Jesus (Eph 4:15).
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